I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
