I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
