Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
