I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
