U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
