i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
