im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
