apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
