so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
