I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
only you would photoshop your dick
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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