And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
