Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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