Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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