I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
