i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
