im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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