I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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