Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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