dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
