dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
