I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
