Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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