Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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