between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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