True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
