I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week