someone threw a dead crab at me
R you on birth control?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?