i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?