just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
