The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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