Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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