dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
