Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
