You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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