I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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