im six kinds of drunk right now
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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