Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
