maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
