She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
