the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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