Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
