You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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