omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
