The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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