Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."