My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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