1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.