Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
