My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
