She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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