by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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