I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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