So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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