what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
