He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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