I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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