Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
