I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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