Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
