Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
