when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
