i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this will be a night to untag.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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