At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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